"Loving What Is" versus "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," a review.
These two books, "Loving What Is," by Byron Katie and "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans, sometimes make the same point while being completely different. Both of these books make the point that you ought to concentrate on your own business, and not spend time and energy trying to run someone else's life. However, the world-view each author presents is completely different.
The book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," sets forth the premise that people usually operate from one of two realities which the author labels Reality I and Reality II. Reality I is defined by the point of view of trying to have Power Over other people; that relationships or discussions are a win-lose contest. Reality II is defined by the point of view of Personal Power, where two people may share with each other to come to win-win agreements. Reality I (Power Over) assumes that everyone is in a hierarchy of dominance. When people operating from the point of view of Reality II try to make sense of the attacks made by people operating from Reality I, the relationship can end up being a hell on earth. This book gives hundreds of examples of the kind of statements that might be made by people trying to win an argument over their partners.
The book, "Loving What Is," is perhaps too Buddhist for most people. The author states that all suffering is because people become too attached to their thoughts about the way the world or other people ought to be, or ought to behave, when, in fact, the world is not that way, and people are not behaving that way. The book presents a simple, step by step, dialog that allows the user to let go of those false ideas which cause them emotional pain. However, the author would deny that pain and suffering exist apart from our thoughts about it. While the book is invaluable in teaching people how to let go of their incorrect assumptions, thus freeing them to deal with the world as it really is; the book comes from the point of view that evil does not really exist, that the world is God unfolding in the way it ought to unfold, and our greatest problem is in not accepting it the way it is.
The value of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" lies in showing that people do behave badly, and may be taught why that is wrong, and overcome it in the future. The weakness of "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," is that it does not explain in detail how one can come to have enough Personal Power from within their own point of view to counter the verbal abuse.
The value of "Loving What Is" lies in showing people how to discipline their own thinking to the point where they would not be confused or confounded by verbal abuse, or be very upset by it. It would give them the Personal Power mentioned in "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." The weakness of "Loving What Is," however, is that it goes too far in its denial that verbal abuse or other evil even exists except in your own emotional pain caused by your thoughts about it.
I would highly recommend that everyone, from grade school on up, read both of these books. And I would especially recommend that anyone who is involved in counseling other people should read both of these books. The ideas presented will give you a foundation for understanding why 95% of the people around you behave as they do. These books should be mandatory reading for all psychology courses.
Read well,
Logan
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